National Security Advisor Michael T. Flynn today announced the successful elimination of the majority of the White House Press Corps. “With dozens of assassinations successfully carried out across the nation’s capital, this operation is the result of effective coordination between our fighting forces, the intelligence community, and Mr. Trump’s very good, the best brain,” Flynn said.

While most of the press corps, including reporters from CBS, ABC, and MSNBC, was found dead this morning, correspondents from FOX News, Breitbart, and The Washington Times are reported to be alive as of press time.

“Last night, we eliminated the extremist, radical members of the fake news community who have terrorized our administration for days,” Flynn said. “We are working around the clock and on the ground with moderate press corps members, editing their articles, screening their questions, and training them to lavish praise on President Trump,” he said.

According to an internal memo, all targeted journalists were disposed of except for The New York Times’ Mark Lander, who is currently chained to a radiator in the Lincoln Bedroom. Mr. Lander is being personally interrogated by White House Chief Strategist Stephen Bannon about the location of Paul Krugman, whose column “Donald Trump, the Siberian Candidate,” caused irreparable damage to Mr. Trump’s ego.

The operation has implications for national security. Along with an aging electronic infrastructure and outdated cybersecurity defenses, the Department of Homeland Security recently identified Mr. Trump’s self-image as a critical vulnerability in our national defense system. “This administration’s three major national security objectives are to defeat ISIS, defend the homeland, and protect President Trump’s ego,” one official said.

According to officials familiar with the operation, President Trump ordered the operation after viewing a Buzzfeed article entitled “10 Things More Real than Donald Trump’s Hair,” a list which included Hillary Clinton’s laughter, Ivanka Trump’s nose, and President Trump’s third marriage.

As of press time, a pair of unmarked, missile-loaded aerial drones remained stationed outside The New York Times’ Manhattan headquarters. The White House could not be reached for comment.


—A. Sumathipala