Before I’m crucified by the Yale community for this controversial editorial, I want to make one point abundantly clear: I find our newest mascot, Handsome Dan XIII, extremely cute. Walter’s wide, chestnut eyes, at once diffident and inquisitive, evoke a delight beyond compare. I often find myself transfixed by the delicate array of creases and folds that constitute his tender visage. His miniature tongue, coarse and damp, once licked my undeserving palm. I have not washed said palm since.
All this being said, I probably will not have sex with Handsome Dan.
Before I am accused of heresy, I would like to reiterate that I still find our newest mascot entirely adorable. Thoughts of Walter’s strapping yet limber frame often accompany me to class, the dining halls, and even to my modest bedroom in Durfee Hall. I lie awake at night, picturing Walter’s nubile paws scurrying eagerly across our suite’s hardwood floors as he explores a world of boundless wonder. When I first saw an Instagram post of the boisterous youngster frolicking in untainted snow, I immediately began to cry tears of joy. However, I believe there are a number of reasons why I should not have sex with Walter.
The primary reason is that he is a dog, and there are a host of ethical and logistical dilemmas that accompany trying to have sex with a dog. I won’t delve into the indelicate details, but a Yahoo Answers search of “How to have sex with a dog?” yielded some unsavory results. A search of “How to have sex with Walter?” initially seemed promising, but ultimately proved inconclusive.
Scheduling is also a concern. Yalies are busy, and Handsome Dan is no exception. His days are regularly packed with meetings, sporting events, and some well-deserved leisure time. A relationship would only distract Walter from his primary focus: To ensure the success and good health of Yale’s many athletic teams. If my sexual transgressions were ever to threaten the storied dominance of Yale’s football team, I would not be able to live with myself.
I want to reiterate that I am an ordinary Yale student. I attend classes, eat macaroni with creamy cheese, and find the newest Handsome Dan incredibly cute. For the above reasons, however, I will most likely keep our relationship platonic, and I hope that other Yalies will do the same.