QUIZ: How Did JFK Actually Die?

1. An errant throw from legendary Dallas Cowboys quarterback Roger Staubach struck the President from above. 
2. Jacqueline Kennedy sneezed a bit too hard and split her husband’s head open.
3. Fidel Castro killed Kennedy for sleeping with his wife, (nothing to do with the missile crisis).
4. Bobby was upset that Jack had cheated in Monopoly and sought to even the score.
5. A bad batch of Pop Rocks chemically reacted with the tissues in his brain, causing a small but deadly explosion.
6. In a cruel twist of fate, John Glenn’s space trash tumbled out of orbit right into the Kennedy’s convertible.
7. J. Edgar Hoover, (not the FBI Director, but a disgruntled Dallas resident whose Cuban cigar import business went bankrupt as a result of Kennedy’s trade embargo) fired from a grassy knoll.
8. Nikita Kruschev ordered the killing after Kennedy bet his life on a high stakes game of Go Fish and lost during the Vienna Summit. 
9. Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy as revenge for using Oswald’s dead grandfather (a proud, lifelong Republican) as an Illinois voter to steal the election from Nixon.
10. LBJ accidentally killed Kennedy after their long-running game of tag got a little out of hand.   

ANSWER: Trick question. John F. Kennedy is alive and well, preparing his son to restore democracy to a captive White House in 2024. Don’t worry, we’re trusting the plan.

—E. Bohannon