- Buy her chocolate flowers
- Take down the booby traps
- Collect acorns to make it through the rest of winter
- Plastic surgery (face, jawline, corrective leg)
- Buy those penis shrinkage pills you need
- Discard stale acorns
- Buy candles! Enough to convince the arson squad the fire was an accident
- Wrap gifts with a really nice bow
- Wrap gifts with a really nice arrow
- Stuff a few acorns into your wide cheeks
- Burn her “sexy” underwear because it doesn’t look “comfortable”
- Delete photos of gathering acorns with ex-wife
- Fill the moat
- Let down the drawbridge
- Man the towers
- Bet all your acorns on 13 Red in acorn roulette
- Secretly organize and abet a coup
- Tell your wife your acorn-gathering isn’t an addiction
- Invite her most attractive female friend to pass the Bechdel test
- Apologize for sleeping with ex-wife again
- Go to Acorns Anonymous to kick your acorn addiction
-A. Cramer and J. Banks
