How to Figure Out if Your Step Mom Wants to Fuck You

1. 1. If she smiled at you when you first met, which means that she couldn’t wait to see you.
   2. If she mentioned that “it would be cool if you could call me Mom, but if you’re not comfortable with that, you can just call me Meredith. I know things have been hard since your mother passed, but we can forge a new family together.”
   3. If she ever makes you breakfast. Trader Joe’s toaster-ready hashbrowns are quite the aphrodisiac.
   4. If her feet ever point in your direction while you’re having a conversation. This is a clear sign of interest if you know how to read body language.
   5. She married your dad. I mean c’mon, you share half the man’s DNA. Could she make it any more obvious?

—M. Kuo