- Accidentally misdirecting campaign funds for the important swing state of Florida to the New England suburb of Florida, Massachusetts.
- Somehow managing to kill over 200,000 Americans, surpassing the coronavirus death toll under the Trump administration and turning off utilitarian voters.
- Letting Joe Biden continue to play “Despacito” at all future campaign events in an effort to win over his “fellow amigo brothers.”
- Running a wildly successful voter information campaign that tells millions of Democrats to get out there and vote on Wednesday, November 4th.
- Announcing an early, unprovoked resignation from the race as they could no longer handle the pressure.
- Releasing a viral TikTok of Biden wiggling his ashy buttocks to show that he’s “just like you.”
- Allowing Republicans in Congress to pass a new bill outlawing the possession of stamps, letters, envelopes, and paper.
- Attempting to turn Texas blue by running a targeted ad campaign featuring a shirtless Joe Biden gleefully firing an AK-47 off his mud-splattered four-wheeler.
- Moving the entire party to San Francisco and declaring their secession from the Union.
- Attempting to increase young voter turnout by building Blockbusters and disco floors at voting booths in key battleground states.
- Mailing classified party documents to a Nigerian prince with an IP address in Vladivostok.
- Giving Joe Biden the password to his Twitter account.
- Bravely boycotting the Electoral College by instructing all Democratic electors not to cast their votes this year.
- Focusing all campaign resources on turning the vertically adjacent red states of North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, and Kansas blue, in hopes of achieving Connect Four.
- Letting Joe Biden speak directly to the public.
- Mistakenly directing $500 million into the 1982 video game “Super Pac-Man” in a damning misinterpretation of how the Super PAC system works.
- Attempting to turn Tennessee blue by coming on to undecided voters with the pickup line, “Are you from Tennessee?”
- Letting Joe Biden out of his house.
- Failing to open field offices in the key battleground state of Michigan.
- Running a 77-year-old Joe Biden as nominee for President of the United States.
—C. Greene
