- A park in San Antonio. Really? San Antonio?
- Captivity shortens animals’ lives
- Funnel cake shortens park-goers’ lives
- Cetacean employees have better health care plans than human employees
- The murderous orca is nicknamed “Tilly”
- No Hall of Presidents
- Promotes conservation while air conditioning polar bear habitats all year round
- Promotes conservation while air conditioning tourist habitats all year round
- Enough rides to make it seem from the outside like it’s a real amusement park
- Employees’ whale costumes are unflattering Dolphins forced to file own tax returns Eight fucking dollars for popcorn
—S. Savitz
