Late Wednesday, Steve Jobs announced that he was stepping down as Apple’s CEO. Why?
• Finally ran out of black mock turtlenecks
• Discovered a iPhone-shaped tumor behind his ear
• Realized the Potter boy has been destroying Horcruxes
• “CEO/Prophet” app finally through beta
• Ass-deep in AAPL puts
• Refused to wear a plastic case to protect himself from everyday bumps and falls
• Someone finally asked nicely
• Downloading self into a synthetically constructed iBody
• Finished Eat, Pray, Love, realized he had to put himself first
• What’s the point of building a giant money pit if you don’t have time to swim in it?
• Signed AA contract with Birmingham Barons
• Wants to die the way he lived: periodically leaving Apple
• HP hired him away for $2
• His AppleCare protection plan had expired.
—Staff (Chernicoff, Chiasson, Cohen-Wade, Gandert, Gerber, Harris, Newsham, Nicholson)
