by David Etkin • Disregard what you have heard from others. Forget what you think you know about the best coffee in the world. Our coffee is the best! It is better than the coffee your mother makes when you go home. It is better than the coffee they serve the President when he wakes up and demands “the best coffee!†It is better than the coffee consumed by the owner of a coffee plantation in Jamaica widely renowned for producing the finest beans in the world, even though he has his roasters give him the freshest, most select beans upon pain of death and then he observes his valet/barista Gorky grind them to perfection in a burr grinder—not a despicable blade grinder which would heat the beans to undesirable temperatures and thus damage their precious, delicate oils—and then soaks them oh so lovingly in triple-filtered artesian well water imported from a distant country very well-known for producing water that makes terrific coffee; and even though this perfectly ground bean is soaked in this perfect water (which has been heated to the perfect range of 196-206 degrees Fahrenheit) in a perfect French press (which does make the best cup of coffee, especially if you drink it black which is the only sane way to drink a truly fine cup of coffee) and poured in such a way that something in Gorky’s wrist action actually makes it taste even better, even though all of this is done this coffee tastes like a cup full of tepid tar when compared to the coffee which we brew here at Jimmy’s Diner. We do it! We brew the finest, most world-shattering cup of coffee in the entire world and we who staff Jimmy’s Diner will no longer hide that unwavering beacon of light under a bushel! We are tired of the Smile Deli and the cloyingly named Sugarcube Café and the irritating bundle of swagger who slings singed beans to empty-eyed corporate suits out of a squeaky-wheeled pushcart trying to lay simultaneous claim to a title which common sense dictates can only be honestly applied to one entity, and which your palate should and will dictate can only be applied to we few, we happy few here at Jimmy’s Diner, no matter what libelous claims are foisted upon a gullible public via signage posted at these and other wretched monuments to self-aggrandizing, megalomaniacal excess and hyperbole. Jimmy’s Diner has no sign, because our coffee does not require one! The truth needs no agent. Justice does not rely on good P.R.! Jimmy’s Diner coffee speaks to you from our kitchen, heralding its rightful title to your nose long before our simple white mug is presented to your palate. Sip it once and be transported to a place beyond all care, to the place where Plato posited that the perfect, conceptual ideals, of which all the physical world is merely a shadow, exist. Sip it once and look me in the eye and if you do not instantly sing a glorious hymn to Jimmy’s Diner coffee then you must snuff out my life for everything I have ever known is a lie!
Also, we make very, very good carrot cake.
