by Dave Etkin
Moving sale–Everything Must Go! – $1 (North Pole)
Reply to: kkringle1@claus.biz
Hello! Due to unforeseen circumstances, I have to move out of my old place ASAP. I’ve got some great stuff that I can’t take with—help me out by buying some! All items are in excellent condition unless otherwise noted; I’m only selling because I really, really need a change of scene.
For sale:
- 1059 toy-making kits! Each kit includes tiny hammer, needle-nosed pliers and straight-edge ruler; all other tools (jig-saw, tap-drill, soldering kit, plasma-cutter) confiscated. Previous owner’s initials engraved on each box’s handle. $29.95 each.
- 1059 gold-rimmed spectacles! Frames 18 kt., gross weight 20.5 kg. For elf eyes only; prescription may cause trans-temporal acuity or panopia in human wear-ers (with usual roster of associated dementias, etc.). Some lenses in fair/poor condition due to thermal and kinetic shock. $15.00 each or $15,000 for the lot.
- ~2,117 small boots—high quality! Scorching damage to some units. $5000 for all.
- 643 elfin caps! All caps washed/sterilized by Polar Industrial, LLC. Any cap containing shrapnel remnants and/or unidentifiable organic matter returnable for full refund. Price varies with condition; contact seller for details.
- Gasoline and rags! Remnants of much larger original lot. Maybe you can use? $20 obo.
- Massive corrugated outbuilding! Some smoke damage, warping from heat, tiny little scratchmarks by exit doors. Partially melted padlock now part of structure. $50.
- Half-size mass grave. Very fertile; rings/gems/gold teeth make this a metal detector’s dream. $500/acre obo.
- Futon! Large, sturdy, desecrated. $75.
- Ruddy-faced, husky domestic partner! Bakes sweets. Kindly, honest-seeming expression. Prone to indiscretions with nimble-fingered, pointy-shoed types. Free of charge.
Free overnight delivery available anywhere in the world, on any/all items.
