Thornton: How to Roast a Chicken

Dear seniors,

“Congratulations on your graduation!” is something I might say if I didn’t know anything about the world of hardship you are about to enter. As you behold your Yale diploma, your first thought will surely be, “Was this thing laid out in Microsoft Word?” But perhaps your second thought will be, “At last I am an adult.” But the truth is, even if you’ve been bar mitzvahed, you’re not.

Once you graduate you will be in for a number of surprises.  Surprise One:  Pajamas are not pants. Surprise Two:  Unlike in dining halls, Cinnamon Toast Crunch doesn’t replenish like manna in the night; it comes in a box and costs four dollars a bowl.[1] If you ever again want to experience the luxury of a hot meal, you must learn how to cook. Like changing your sheets, cooking is a necessity that Yale has shielded you from, but I don’t care how many people you layoff in your life— if you can’t feed yourself, you are not an adult.

One of the simplest and most satisfying meals you can make is roast chicken.  The following recipe will serve three to four adults, or two fatties.

1. Take your whole chicken out of the refrigerator a few hours before you plan on cooking it.  This is called tempering the meat and will help the bird cook evenly.  The FDA does not recommend ever leaving raw meat out at room temperature.  Coincidently the FDA has never cooked a good roast chicken.
2. Preheat your oven to 450 degrees.  An oven takes about twenty minutes to preheat.  If you are wondering why your microwave doesn’t have a preheat button, go sit on the naughty step.
3. Reach into the cavity of the chicken and remove the giblets.  Despite what George Orwell and William Zinsser say, euphemisms can be a good thing, “giblets” being exhibit A.
4. Rinse the outside of the bird with cold water and pat dry with paper towels. Repeat with the inside of the bird making sure you didn’t miss any giblets.  You’ll know you’ve done it right if you feel like a pervert.
5. Find the wish bone and with your knife cut around the bone until you can pull it out. They say if you snap the wishbone with a friend and get the bigger half, your wish will come true. This is bullshit unless your wish is to eat roast chicken.
6. Watch a YouTube video on how to truss a chicken.
7. Truss your chicken.
8. Season with about a tablespoon of salt and pepper to taste.  To season take a big pinch of salt and let it rain down on the bird, repeat 3-5 more times depending on family heart history.  Some people like to rub butter all over the bird and under its skin. Some people also like to huff glue.
9. Fill a roasting pan or skillet with chopped vegetables.  Potatoes, carrots, and celery work well, frozen spinach and creamed corn do not.
10. Place the chicken on top of the bed of vegetables and place in the oven for 50-60 minutes, or until the temperature of the deepest part of the thigh reads 170 and the juices run clear.[2]
11. Let the chicken sit for ten minutes before carving.  I’m sure you can think of something to do with that time—nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
12. Carve the chicken and serve atop the roast vegetables.  Apologize to your guests for your shameful behavior while letting the chicken sit.

Being an adult is hard, but not half as hard as being a man-child in a grown-up world.  Perfect this recipe and hopefully a few more, buy some ties or a nice pants suit, and embrace being grown-up. Because you won’t be anything else until you die. Surprise!

Sincerely,

Michael Thornton