Dear people who post pictures of their significant others on Valentine’s Day,
Listen. I get it. It’s Valentine’s Day and you want to show the Instagram world how much better you are than everyone else because someone loves you and they aren’t even obligated to. Still, let’s set the record straight about what we, single, onlookers are sick of seeing.
First of all, there’s nothing that makes me want to hit the unfollow button more than seeing a picture of you making out with your girlfriend on your Instagram story. The gray button becomes oh-so-appealing. Unlike your slobbery, disgusting mouth. Please keep that picture, and your tongues, where no one can see them.
Second, I don’t need to see a post dedicated to your boyfriend with a dissertation in the caption. Seeing the “more” button makes me want to throw up the 28-piece Godiva Heart chocolate box I ate all by myself. No one wants to read your thesis, introductory statement, body paragraphs, and conclusion about how Jake is “one in a million” and “so easy to love.” Send HIM a letter, not us.
Moving on, while you may think that Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity for a soft launch, no one is as invested as you think in your love life. Sure, the pictures of the back of your boyfriend’s head are artsy and perhaps even Pinterest-worthy. However, they are not worthy of my, or any of your followers’ time. I won’t spend more than 2 seconds looking at your story, let alone try to decipher which Sig Nu boy his hair looks most like. There is no need to be so cryptic.
Lastly, for those who wish to profess their love in a more lowkey way, please don’t use Instagram Notes as your outlet. Instagram Notes is fueled by hatred, the perfect place to whine to your followers without accruing too much attention. I am, instead, looking forward to scrolling through the notes of fury written by singles complaining about their loneliness and how no one deserves them on this special day. Please don’t ruin this experience for me with your, frankly sickening, happiness.
So, you may be wondering, what CAN you post? I’m not saying you aren’t allowed to post on Valentine’s Day, just don’t be insufferable about it.
Here is a comprehensive list of acceptable posts:
- Photos of you and your partner social distancing (masks appreciated)
- Captions that include one heart emoji at most
- Instagram stories that don’t involve pink or red font and songs relating to love
- Pictures where only you look good and not your partner (This one is permitted because I find it funny that you had to lie to your partner that they looked good. I mean, their eyes are barely open and their mouth is agape. Let’s be honest, you just liked the way you looked.)
- Photos completely unrelated to Valentine’s Day that you just happened to post on the 14th
I beg you, please abide by these basic guidelines if you wish to maintain me as a follower, and for my respect for you to remain intact.
P.S. If you are going to post a picture that does not follow these rules, at least tag your GF or BF so I can be nosy.
Sincerely,
Your bitter single friend
— A. Borut
