God, don’t you miss the old pool parties? Back in the 80s, pool parties were the pinnacle of good times and summer fun. I remember sitting by the poolside with enough grease in my hair to fry a potato, swim trunks so short it would make a Victorian gentleman faint, and enough hormones in my bloodstream to induce labor in a non-pregnant woman. And the best part? Getting high off those sweet, sweet chlorine fumes. Before all these wimpy chemical regulations for “human health” or whatever they’re calling it these days, you could have a mighty good time just by standing within 30 feet of a backyard pool.

We’re just too concerned with safety these days. My kids begged me to buy them “60 SPF sunscreen,” and I nearly vomited. I mean, really, what the hell is “sun protection factor?” All I know are summertime playful flings. That’s how I got my first girlfriend — I flirtatiously pushed her into the pool; the lifeguard (also me) saved her once she floated to the surface, and she instantly fell in love. Man, there’s no innocent fun like that anymore.

Just the other day, I had to pick up my teen from a pool party. What I saw rocked me to my core. There’s no fighting, there’s no tension, and there’s hardly any water involved — just TikTok dances, sage green bucket hats, and oversized unicorn floaties. It’s no FUN if you’re not about to DROWN. We ought to put some rocks in the unicorn and see Mackeighleighh and Slaxon feel an adrenaline rush for the first time in their lives. That’s how we found out my old friend Will wasn’t cut out for summertime fun (R.I.P Will).

America, it’s time to reclaim the days of chlorine comas and involuntary baptisms – that’s what summer is really all about! Encourage your kids to ditch their sunscreen and live a little. Also, if you know a good dermatologist, please contact me. I’ve got a weird mole my wife tells me I should get checked out.

— B. Soti