Point: I Would Like to Stop Being Mauled by This Bear
According to Bath and Bodyworks, the smell of “Crisp Happiness” features a strong honey note. With the aid of the dinner rolls I keep in my pockets, the scent drew some unwanted attention. As soon as I felt his razor-sharp claws tearing away at my shins, I accepted my fate. I hope the bear runs out of steam after shredding the five-inch inseam shorts I wore to impress my camping crush (an LA twink with a heart of gold.) Finally, he stops and circles me ominously…

Counterpoint: I Am Touch-Starved
Relieved to have a reprieve from the mauling, I shiver and realize I’m freezing without him on top of me. As he sniffs gently around my open abdomen, I find that his fur is delightfully soft. His dangerous embrace warms my dying body, and perhaps, my hardened heart. As the bear stands on his hind legs to assert his power, I can’t help but notice his impressive stature and muscular physique. Even without my left eye, it was easy to see this papa was at least 6 ‘3, my minimum height setting on Grindr. As blood drips from my wounds, and my consciousness begins to fade, I realize what I knew deep down all along. Maybe my type is bears.

 — A. Lenihan