Section Kid, 19, was notified today that he would be named Valedictorian of the entire Ivy League, an honor arguably as prestigious as the MacArthur Genius Awards and Nobel Peace Prizes, both of which Section Kid has also been awarded. We asked him where he was when he received the life-changing news, and he said, “At the library, of course.”
When asked about what this means to him and his family, Kid replied, “It’s remarkable to be receiving an award that was invented purely for me. I feel like I’m really representing my community.”
Kid grew up in the South of France, but to keep things simple, he says he is from the Bronx. In his free time, he enjoys proof-reading Google Scholar papers to email their authors and inform them of their mistakes. His mother, Legacy Kid, spoke of her pride for her son’s accomplishments: “Section has always been driven because we would beat him if he wasn’t.” She laughed, clutching her pearls. “That’s a joke. Sort of.”
To learn more about Section Kid’s personality, passions, and successful investment portfolio, we spent a day with him. Each day, Section Kid begins the morning with a light jog of eighteen miles while reciting the constitutions of the fifty states. He then cracks two eggs into a glass, mixes them with some protein powder, and drinks it. “I’m all about fueling my body and mind.”
Kid’s first class of the day is Tracing the Queer Nature of Genocidal Leaders, a senior seminar. Kid’s professor agreed to comment: “Kid is a very engaged student. He speaks seven or more times each class! He’s particularly exceptional at summarizing others’ points in an elaborate manner.”
Kid’s next class is Psychoanalysis and the Hannah Montana Complex, a film class where he attended a screening of The Godfather (1972). Upon leaving the screening, he said, “It was okay. I just think it was a little too polished.”
Kid enjoys the simple pleasures of New England life. He dresses up each morning for class: black turtlenecks and a belt with the initials SK stitched into the center. He wears rings and has a single ear piercing. We asked him about his eclectic style, and he responded, “The turtleneck is inspired by Elizabeth Holmes of course. Despite it all, she is an entrepreneur. But I’m trying out some new things. The ladies love guys with rings. Plus, I’m toying with the idea of fellating men.”
Next, Kid headed to the library to finish up final edits on his thesis paper. The title of his paper is, “Socioeconomic vibes and the gentrification of classical antiquity in indexical spaces,” about which we asked for further explanation. “It’s um… it’s hard to explain in a few words. The cyclical nature of the Roman Ages has a lot of manifestations in American furniture, so that’s kind of what I’m studying. But it’s really about colonization.”
Kid is also involved in several on-campus organizations. He is currently the infographic artist for Students Against Performative Activism, the President of Students for Corporate Buzzwords, and the treasurer for Students Neutral Vis-à-vis Tax Evasion. In just four years, he was able to create a jumbo-sized mind-map of iconic corporate words like “synergy” and “Low-hanging fruit” in the cafeteria, and embezzled over two hundred thousand dollars. He also said that he vehemently supports local organizations and volunteers frequently at the Shelter for International Students Who Have Not Yet Received their Allowance.
Many Yalies look up to Kid for advice. According to his suitemate John, “Kid once stopped a riot by quoting Plato. All of a sudden everyone just put down their weapons and started googling ‘The allegory of the cave.’ It was a religious experience.”
Despite his outgoing personality, Kid doesn’t enjoy partying much. “My ideal evening is a glass of a non-alcoholic beverage, three friends, and a debate about effective altruism.”
Like many students, Kid struggles with knowing exactly where he will go in life. When asked about the future, Kid sighed. “I interned for McKinsey one summer and it really changed me. I think a lot about how we are all really just working to make the rich richer. Capitalism kills, man.” He took out a joint, lit it, and coughed. “I’m thinking about being a photographer, but I don’t want to be weighed down by modern technology. I’m a purist. I sort of want to work on a sustainable farm next year, but I do have an offer from Google.”
We began wrapping up our interview, and Kid became quiet, as if he was deep in thought. He frowned. “This whole day, I’ve only talked about myself.” I chuckled, “Kid, that’s kinda the point.”
“Wait,” he said as he passed me the joint. “Tell me more about you. And please, call me Section.”
— M. Smith
