As Black Panther Fred Hampton once said, we never asked to wield the Record Online; it was a weapon thrust upon us by circumstance. This week, we find a country wracked by one of the most violent tornado seasons in years. Mississippi is suffering the brunt of a particularly destructive “wedge” tornado, leaving Mississippi in worse shape than the average March Madness bracket. Scientists believe warming of the Gulf of Mexico might be contributing to the strength of the storms; in light of a cheery new report by the IPCC, a team of UN climate specialists and climate policy advisers was dispatched to examine the issue. They reported that “Cancún in particular was eerily warm – I mean, you’re sitting at your resort and you don’t even need to touch the pool.” The team has yet to return, stating that more time was needed on-site to gather conclusive data.
Speaking of blowing hot air in the Deep South, lawmakers continue to push for bans on gender-affirming care and hormone replacements for transgender youth. Many advocate against vulnerable teenagers making irreversible choices they may regret, especially at a time when we need as many healthy men and women joining the armed forces as possible. One Republican senator shared insight into his struggle: “These Trans ideologists, they’re nefarious, it’s like I’m fighting an invisible enemy. There’s no spokesperson, no appointed official, you know; they just live among us, look exactly like us – you can’t even see the problems with their lifestyle. Scary.” Furthermore, a recent mass shooting in Nashville has torn the nation apart, though the shooter’s gender identity has prompted many conservatives to champion the cause of trans representation.
Asian Americans in the film industry also report struggling with invisibility, according to this year’s Best Actress winner, Michelle Yeoh. “This was a win for all of us,” Yeoh said, “even those choosing to live in Taiwan.” “Everything Everywhere All At Once” has become the most-awarded film in history; critics have called it a “much-needed” love letter to the IRS, portrayed dutifully pursuing an immigrant small business owner. Many favorites were largely snubbed, like “Banshees of Inisherin”, a heartfelt account of healthy communication in a male friendship. “Tar” was also passed over after it was revealed Cate Blanchett had taken method acting too seriously and sexually manipulated a protégé prior to filming.
Our country’s other democratic institutions also disappointed some last Tuesday, with Trump yet to be indicted on criminal charges in the state of New York. Democratic voices reminded voters that this was a completely unprecedented and monumental occasion, despite being unable to define object permanence. Trump is accused of falsifying company records by writing off alleged “hush money” given to actress Stormy Daniels as a legal expense. When pressed for comment, he explained that “I told her a really big secret and she pinky promised.” It’s still unclear how an arrest could affect Trump’s candidacy in 2024, but if he is forced behind bars, his base has pledged to dismantle the “capitalist poison to our nation that is the prison industrial complex.”
In Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu is also at risk of looking too good in handcuffs, as protests intensify over his judicial overhaul. The unrest came to a head on Sunday when he fired his defense minister, a staunch opponent to the plan. “It was almost like, ‘can I even do that?’, and I really lived my truth, you know, it was so exhilarating,” said Netanyahu in a press briefing. He plans to drastically increase the sway of the executive branch on the Israeli supreme court, arguing for an exchange plan where members of his cabinet can judge some supreme court cases on Thursdays. “Around here, we all wear several hats”, he claims proudly.
Here at Yale, spring break has ended, bringing plagues of locusts to campus. Housing lotteries are about to start, and we would like to remind all first years that those unable to find a group by March 31st will need to live in the Branford dining hall. In my favorite class, the history of Eastern Europe since 1914 with Timmy Snyder, we’ve begun a hands-on analysis of postwar Stalinism; there were only As on the midterm, and anyone who says otherwise cannot be found. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is freedom of speech – and the Record Online is the freest. That’s all for now, but we’ll be back soon, yes.
– J.Mansfield
