Hello there! Sorry it took me a while to get to the door. I was taking a trip down memory lane and playing some RuneScape. I was super engrossed in the Sheep Shearer quest and had to collect my last piece of wool for Fred the Farmer. Oh dear, I am a bit out of breath now. How embarrassing. So used to just having the Endless Endurance relic equipped.

You are here to tell me about the Lord? Please go ahead, I am happy to listen.


I see.

No, I have not yet accepted Jesus Christ into my life. You see, I did not grow up in the church, which meant my Sunday mornings were wide open. As a little girl, I always looked forward to those peaceful moments when I could slip into my mother’s home office and spend quality time on her HP Pavilion one-shotting NPCs on RuneScape. We didn’t have iPads or Harry Styles back then, but the fantasy realm of Gielinor offered endless fun and adventure.

Have I ever wondered whether there’s a higher power? Absolutely. That time I lost a PvP fight in RuneScape’s Wilderness and my opponent called me a noob, I threw my hands up in the air and yelled “Why, God, why?” I must have offended some big man in the sky to get pwned like that. By the way, PvP means player versus player and pwned means total domination. Noob means… You don’t need me to explain that one? Okay.

I’ll tell you a secret: I may be in the market for some eternal salvation. When I was ten years old, I had two RuneScape boyfriends who would give me free items. Neither of them knew about each other, even after I married one of them at the Varrock Chaos Altar. I know I’m a sinner! Don’t look at me with those eyes! Poor xXAtomicWolfXx and lukeskywalker69 deserved better. So, finding redemption in the Holy Messiah sounds pretty appealing.  

I wonder, is heaven anything like RuneScape? Honestly, I wouldn’t mind an afterlife where I could go fishing, cut down a tree, make a fire, cook the fish on top of the fire, and burn the fish at a frequency inversely proportional to my level and XP. I’d happily take my place in the Kingdom of God if it had regular bug fixes and the angels could trade me yew logs for Elysian spirit shields.

You have to go? Wait, I want to hear more about how I can lead a life of faith and worship! You’re late for your dentist’s, no, your doctor’s appointment, and there’s no XP in heaven? Perhaps the Almighty Father will consider it as a members-only feature. Eternity is a long time, after all. Goodbye now! Have a blessed day! If you want to speak again, I’ll be grinding stats and pwning noobs in the holiest MMORPG of them all.

— V. Liu