Belgium: At great risk to their personal safety and family honor, working alone and moving at night, known only in whispers and remembered only in myth, is a great leaderless mass of chocolatiers without proper licensing.

France: Smooth teens in linen jackets lounging in riverside cafés, snickering at unpolished tourist accents and chopping up their naive political illusions like so many legs off a little frog.

Netherlands: The Dutch know nothing about stealth. Less than nothing.

England: There have been rumors of a specialized detachment of British shock troopers at the personal disposal of the reigning monarch for centuries. These grizzled warriors warned us not to include a picture, but just look for the majestic fur hats and unmistakable fruit-punch red jackets. They don’t move around much.

Italy: The Italian equivalent of ninjas is not the mafia. Real Italians actually like the mafia, because it protects them from dangerous criminals and the corrupt government. The Italian equivalent of ninjas is Koopa Troopas.

Spain: I don’t think we can do stereotypes about Spain. Right? Like, they’re Latino or Hispanic or something.

—L. Burch