- The meteor that killed the dinosaurs — Now you’re going to sit there and tell me with a straight face that a thriving population without borders, paper currency, or racial hegemony was just struck by a rock from outer space? The dinosaurs were warm-blooded communists, folks, and Lyndon B. Johnson couldn’t stand the red spread. You heard it here first: the Vietnamese only lasted so long because the last remaining velociraptors were stealthily ripping out the throats of American commandos.
- The birth of Jesus — Do you remember what “gifts” the wise men brought our divine savior? Frankincense is some hard shit, kids. No one knows where these fuckers came from, and they just happened to destabilize a poor city with psychoactive drugs. Crack cocaine in black neighborhoods has nothing on the CIA’s work in creating a major religion.
- The invention of sliced bread — Nuh-uh. No way some moron single-handedly discovered God’s greatest gift to man by accident. You can’t fool me.
- Every heart attack ever — People, the human body didn’t go through millions of years of evolution for your fine octogenarian figure to drop dead in a strip mall. Truth is, the CIA hates old people. Every U.S citizen gets a remote explosive implanted in their chest when they turn 60. It saves the state a whole lot of taxpayer dollars; who needs CPAP machines when you can develop deadlier drones to use in the Middle East?
- The JFK assassination — Frankly I’m not sure what this one is still doing on the list, my editor must have snuck it past me somehow. There was absolutely nothing dubious about the circumstances of our president’s death. To suggest otherwise is callous and frankly disrespectful. Does the Kennedy family, reeling from the shock of such a sudden passing, want to hear your tone-deaf conspiracy theories? Hold your tongue.
—J. Mansfield
