Something is amiss with my family. I can sense it. To be precise, it is my second family that preoccupies me. You see, from the very beginnings of our lineage, my male ancestors have kept second families unbeknownst to their first, doubling the odds that our bloodline shall continue. My father had two families, and so did my grandfather and his father before him. 

We are so committed to this tradition that I myself am unaware whether I was born into my father’s first or second family. Until recently, I thought this tradition was unique. However, recent developments have implied otherwise. I have reason to believe that my family, my secret second family, has a secret second dad.

My suspicions began three fortnights ago. I entered my second family’s abode after a “work trip” and noticed inconsistencies in its decoration. Every picture featuring my likeness was replaced with pictures of my second family with another man whom I have never laid eyes on. Then, a few days later, my second wife, Cynthia, suggested that we sleep in separate chambers, as my snoring disturbed her sleep. I love my second wife, so I obliged. Later that night, as I snuck away to fornicate with my first wife, I heard my second wife scream, “Oh, yes, Dave!” into the cold night. I know no man named “Dave.” 

In the morning, I confronted my second wife about this feral scream. Apparently, she was watching Chopped on television, and cheering on her favorite contestant, Dave, who was preparing a wonderful spotted dick. However, while my first wife and I “Netflix and chilled” that same night, I did not see any contestants named Dave on Chopped, and the only spotted dick either of us saw was my own. 

My secret second children, like my secret second wife, have behaved erratically. One week ago, my secret second children asked me to play catch with them. Sadly, I had plans for my evening, as I was planning to take my first set of children to the World Series, so I told my secret second children that I had work to do. Yet, as I left to pick up my first set of children, I caught a glimpse of my secret second children playing catch in our neighbor’s backyard. 

Thankfully, this neighbor was named David, not Dave, which assuaged some of my fears. Yet, I remain worried. Could my children really be spending valuable time bonding with a man who is not their father? Why would they need another man to play catch with? They could have just asked me.

I am terribly sorry if these facts do not warrant such suspicions, but I just can’t stand the thought of my second wife lacking loyalty and my second children seeking a second father figure. Personally, I would never keep anything from my secret second family, except for my first family, as I know a lack of honesty is harmful to any relationship. 

Therefore, I have decided upon a reasonable course of action. If I find conclusively that my second wife has been unfaithful to me, I plan to give her a taste of her own medicine. I will find a third wife and sire a secret third set of children, which to her will be my secret second family. Only then will she understand that lying never pays. And when she does, we’ll finally be happy again, just three big happy families. 

A. Mayagoitia