• It Condones Day Drinking. If it’s 9 AM on a Sunday and a wrinkly old man isn’t pouring cheap pinot into your mouth, you’re doing something wrong. In the Bible and in America, you are free to drink at any hour, just as the Founding Fathers wanted. That is, as long as the first shot goes to the troops—they defend this right for you.
  • It Promotes Capitalist Values. You think they have Medicare behind the pearly gates? Think again, bucko. Don’t bother loading your pockets with posies—load them with cold hard cash. Just like in the old U. S. of A, you’d better be able to pay out of pocket if you have any medical emergencies in heaven. Or offer sexual favors. 
  • It’s Full Of Food Insecurity. Like more than 38 million Americans, good Christians willingly fast. During Lent, it is essential that you clear your cabinets—God wanted food waste. The Bible was a weight loss program before Weight Watchers. Punish yourself for eating the chocolate you promised to quit, not for hoarding enough wealth to have a second home in the Cayman Islands. 
  • It Takes Place in America.  The sun is rising over a little stable with no modern medicine. Nestled in the coal mining mountains of Pennsylvania, there sits a little town called Bethlehem, where a baby boy is born. His dad’s first name? God. The date? December 25th: Christmas… ever heard of it? Probably not these days, with all of this “Happy Holidays” nonsense going around.
  • It Preaches Peace (enforced by the Strongest Military in the World). As Jesus preached in his Sermon on the Mount (Rushmore), “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall invade Iraq and search out those pesky weapons of mass destruction” (although I’m not really sure why our boys were looking for them—the best WMDs are made right here in America!).
  • It Gives Men More Rights. As Paul mandated in Ephesians, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” There’s a reason they’re called the Founding Fathers, not the Founding Mothers. The Bible was, after all, written by men, so you know they were never biased about who they thought should rule.


—L. Conklin