High school drug awareness programs are scams that share falsified information with vulnerable teenagers. I came into college believing that everyone did hard drugs at parties. I came into college believing that everyone would force me to try said drugs, and frankly I couldn’t wait. However, with great disappointment, I have finished my first week of college and not one person has even tried to get me to snort coke.

“Say no,” they said. “You will get pressured into trying things you may be uncomfortable with,” they said. Well, to my surprise, I have never been asked to snort a quick line of Colombia’s finest. At all three parties I have attended no one came up to me, called me a pussy, and demanded I sniff that beautiful white powder up my nose.

I was at a loss after the first party: am I not cool enough to look like someone who would want to try coke? I decided to call up a couple friends from home to figure out how to better present myself as someone interested in snorting a fine line. One of them suggested that I wear a shirt with snowflakes to show other partiers what I was there for. But instead of booger sugar, all I got thrown my way were a couple of weird glances. Another friend suggested I write a letter to the party host asking them to be harsher when enforcing peer pressure. I went one step further, with a campus-wide poster campaign encouraging coke-bullying at parties. I haven’t heard back yet, so hopefully that will do the trick.

They don’t teach you this in D.A.R.E.. They shield you from the harsh reality that you probably won’t be offered any demon’s dandruff no matter how hard you try. Maybe if these programs had actually taught me how to be cool enough to get peer pressured, I wouldn’t have this problem now.

So here I am, alone in my dorm room, snorting lines of sawdust just to get my anxious sinuses through the week. On a side note, if anyone knows of any parties where they force you to do a line longer than my forearm, email me at iwanttotrycokeunderthescrutinyofthefratpresident@hotmail.com. God bless you all, and God bless America.

—J. Wypasek