A Center-Left Political Ideology —There are plenty of center-left students on campus, but I’m sure you’ll stand out for your totally unique perspective on net neutrality!
The Valid Concern that they Never Caught the Underminer in Incredibles II —I mean sure, the Incredibles stop his weird power drill, but they never get the bad guy in jail. What if he’s lurking somewhere in New Haven, like underneath our steam tunnels or in that 8 a.m. section.
D.S.: You’re in D.S.? Tell us more. The “D.S. Personality” is actually a long con, because if you choose it I will beat you with a bottle of Cholula Hot Sauce, the nice EMTs will take you to the hospital, and everyone will pity you, thus eradicating the need for a personality.
Quentin Tarantino Movies — I bet every time you see a Tarantino film, you bring insider knowledge to the screen by telling your friends that Quentin actually does a cameo in each of his movies. What a cool fact.
Wellness — There’s no one more cherished than a friend who preaches “self-love.” Got a D on the midterm? Self-love. Screamed at mom for “not understanding me” when she ordered chicken dumplings instead of pork? Self-love. Dumped by Rachel, even though you were on a break? Self-love.
The Fall of Rome —Are you looking for 55 supple classics enthusiasts to join your 56-man Macedonian Phalanx? Then build up an immunity to poison like Mithridates, watch Gladiator a million times, and weep because Diocletian didn’t have the self-esteem to rule two empires.
Your High School Ex —Hey, it worked in high school.
Croutons — There’s nothing people love more than a good crouton. Feel free to connect on that.
That Time You Traveled and It Changed You, Like, Forever — I bet you met a cute local who showed you the limitations of your “American” way. I bet you resisted the urge to pet the German Shepherds at Customs & Border Paw-trol.
The Yale Record —Join the Yale Record! Become a staff writer! Write excruciatingly bad listicles and send them to J. Wickline.
—A . Buchholz