1. Mask Sales on the Rise, but Only Because They Look Cool
  2. 900,000 Alive Globally–Why Wouldn’t They Be?
  3. Howard Bump Ridiculed for His Stupid New Form of Greeting: The “Elbow Bump”
  4. Please Wear Deodorant
  5. Americans Completely United on the Fact That Getting Sick Is Bad
  6. Economy Doing Okay
  7. All Your Favorite Sports Are Going to Happen, and You Get to Go See Them In Person, Too!
  8. Clinical Trials for the Ïb̸ÆÌÌj€¡VºØ Vaccine Underway
  9. You Have to Brush Your Teeth. Even if There Was a Global Disaster That Made People Stay Away From You and You Thought It Was Fine Because They Couldn’t Smell Your Breath, You Would Still Have to Brush Your Goddamn Teeth. Cavities Are a Silent Killer. Come On, People.
  10. Trump Presidency Probably Can’t Get Any Worse

—B. Hollander-Bodie