It’s 2019. You’re stuck in some dark basement living up to your full potential. You’re so drunk it’d be a medical miracle if you could remember your own name. You feel like you’re living through the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan, but instead, you’re just seizing along to the beat of whatever EDM everyone is pretending to like at that given moment. Everyone’s high-fiving, licking toilet seats, and lining up to be spat on by the Frat’s president. This is how it’s supposed to be. Life is good.
Fast forward to 2020, and now Peter Salovey, the godfather of Greek Life, the chugger-in-chief, of all people, expects us to give all that sweet shit up? For what? A highly contagious virus that would be easily contained if we all put our own selfish desires aside for just a few months, maybe ending this country’s tumultuous ordeal?
No.
We call bullshit. This social-isolation thing is just a scheme concocted by the elder generations to rid us of our most fun years because they’re jealous we got to grow up with Twitter. But they can’t stop us. Two decades on this planet have taught us that getting completely trashed on a Wednesday afternoon is worth any pesky consequences.
Fear not my entitled flask-finishers, for we will unite. With this guide, we will learn together how to get down while giving Miss Rona the finger.*
- Semi-Social Simping — Do you hate the pressure of shooting your shot in person? Does the very idea of prolonged eye contact make you want to yack? Well this Rona season, we’re saying fuck all that bold, confident shit! You roll up to the frat and it’s dark as hell. You see that girl from section you’ve been DYING to be in a breakout room with. Normally, you’d have to muster up the confidence to go talk to her, but thanks to the six-feet rule, you can strategically maneuver yourself so that your eyes meet for a brief moment. Afterwards, just drop everything and sprint back to your dorm with the wind at your back. Once safely inside, DM her the eyes emoji on Instagram. Game on, player.
- Moving Past The Need For Toilets — Travis from Sig Nu said you can only get COVID from toilet seats, so you can basically rest assured this is true. Thus, in order to avoid transmission, forego toilets entirely. Any frat worth its salt will adapt accordingly this semester and have a special room for urinating on the floor. Top tier frats will have a separate room for defecation. Frats, mark my words: if I can’t take a shit on one of your floors, you will not be seeing me.
- Selective Snitching — If you’ve ever been stopped at the door because of some “closed party” crap, there’s one easy way to go from an outdoor Jimmy to an absolute indoor Chad: snitch. Threaten to report them for violating that thing we signed. Tell them they’ll soon be back in their parent’s home if you don’t get to drink Everclear and dance while simultaneously endangering yourself and the community. You have to! You want to go to the party and they won’t let you in and it’s nor fairrrrrr! Sure, no one likes a snitch, but you’ll have plenty of time to make friends once you gain entry!
- Butt Chugging — Self explanatory. Ask Travis for a video.
- Property Insurance — With everyone receiving regular COVID screenings, stolen property will be a thing of the past. After a good bout of sneezing and slobbering your saliva all over your Canada Goose jacket (don’t forget to spit in the hood), you won’t have to worry if your jacket goes missing. It’s just simple math. Whoever tests positive at the next screening stole your jacket. If you can follow that logic, Sherlock, then you know this is a plan with absolutely no caveats.
*Disclaimer: You WILL contract COVID-19 almost immediately.
—S. Olurin
