Joe Exotic – Scar 

Scar hails from royalty but he won’t settle for anything less than the throne. Similarly, Joe has it good as owner of the GW Zoo, but he won’t settle for anything less than the US Presidency. I also must confess that their majestic, rugged manes turn us on. Ultimately, they are both betrayed by their once-loyal minions (although there are some subtle differences). Joe’s employees testified against him in court, leading to a 22 year jail sentence, while Scar’s employees, an army of cackling hyenas, just straight up killed him. 

John Finlay and Travis Maldonado- Timon and Pumbaa

Best friends with a little extra sauce, if you know what I mean. Hakuna Matata! John and Pumbaa have the same amount of teeth! I can’t confirm this, but John looks like the kind of guy who would eat bugs for the “extra protein.” Travis adheres to the proverb, “It means no worries, for the rest of your days.”   

Carole Baskins – Scar

Buckle up, all you cool cats and kittens, because we’ve got another Scar on our hands! Although the Lion King’s villain boasts no big cat print, that doesn’t mean Carole wouldn’t attempt to make him into a pattern. Both Carole and Scar love getting away with unorthodox methods of murder. Scar threw Mufasa off a cliff and into a herd of trampling wildebeest and Carole killed her husband in cold blood and fed him to their tigers. Neither were held accountable! Like Scar, Carole asserts that she is a blessing to the Animal community, despite every sign pointing in the opposite direction. Perhaps most importantly, both have creepy laughs that just make you want to punch them in the face. And, although Scar is afraid to admit it, they both love biking.

Jon “Donald” Lewis – Mufasa

Similar to Mufasa’s downfall at the hands of Scar, Don is tragically yeeted by Carole, as explained above. One discrepancy: although Mufasa’s body is found and properly mourned, Don Lewis is still in the septic tank and/or tigers’ belly.

Howard Baskin – Scar -or- A Turtle

Howard is an utterly despicable symbol of evil like Scar, but he also resembles the common snapping turtle. This one’s a tough 50/50.

Bhagavan “Doc” Antle – Scar

Let’s be real, there’s something you have got to love about Scar. Despite his many flaws, he can flash one of his signature Scar smiles and your heart will start to flutter. Similarly, when Doc Antle invites you to join his cult that is “totally not a cult,” part of you wants to say, “take me now as wife number six!” Both claim to be way more qualified than they actually are. Scar is not rightfully a king and Antle is not a licensed doctor in any field. But somehow, they convince the world that they’re legitimate. And they both get babes! Smooth moves from two smooth operators! You’ll get so swept up in their charm that you might even forget that they euthanize baby tigers*.

*Not proven for Scar, but I mean, c’mon…

Jeff Lowe – Scar

Seriously, what the fuck is up with this guy? 

Rick Kirkham – Zazu

Both Rick and Zazu are treated terribly by Simba and Joe despite their contributions to their bosses’ work. Moreover, they’re both outsiders who clearly think they’re better than the locals. But when things get heavy, they also make me giggle!

Mario Tabraue – Scar

Mario is often cited as “the real-life Scarface.” Tabraue surrounds himself with a cast of shady figures; likewise, Scar rolls with the hyenas, which Disney seems to think are terrible creatures (I think they’re kinda sexy). Also, Tabraue’s squad sewed cocaine into exotic snakes to traffic the drug across borders, and let’s not kid ourselves, there’s no doubt Scar was downing blow by the pound!

John Reinke – Rafiki

Reinke is old and wise like Rafiki. Animals respect him. Unclear whether either is a religious figure but would gladly join their movement if given the chance. 

Allen Glover – Scar

Bad guy.* Likes to Kill. Gets distracted easily.

*I mean, the man has a teardrop tattoo…

Erik Cowie – Nala

Cowie displays Nala’s matronly instincts by taking care of the animals when the kingdom is in dire shambles. And yes, they both spark a fire in my loins.

James Garretson – Scar

Garretson will say and do absolutely anything for personal gain. For example, proudly betraying Joe and Jeff to avoid federal scrutiny. That said, he did look pretty sick on that JetSki.

Kelci “Saff” Saffery – Simba

Does it even need to be said? Kelci and Simba are by far the most likeable out of all these fucking characters. Simba lost his dad and Saff lost her arm, but they power on for the good of the animals. How much more badass can you get than that? Damn.

Dillon Passage – Kiara

Not featured in the first few installments of the series but takes on a more prominent role in the late stages when we’re already attached to the main cast. Unrelated, but I am also legally obligated to mention that Dillon is still married to Joe. 

Joshua Dial – The Elephant

He’s there, and he’s a libertarian. 

The Tigers – The Tigers

I can’t put my finger on exactly, but for some reason, these two remind me of each other! I think it’s because they belong neither in Africa nor Oklahoma.

—W. Cramer & L. Jost

“Art” — W. Cramer