Senate Session 1
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: And with these finishing remarks, I move that we close today’s session. Wrap it up, boys.
SENATOR 1: Seconded!
SENATOR 2: Thirded!
The senators all laugh and pat a proud SENATOR 2 on the back, as they begin their celebratory lap around the chamber. They chase a giggling SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE around the room slapping him on the behind.
TERRY: Boys, boys, boys– now you wait just a minute.
SENATORS IN UNISON: NO! NOT TERRY!
As Terry walks down the blue-carpeted floors of the chamber, the senators boo and throw pocket constitutions at him.
SENATOR 1: Terry never lets us have our fun.
Terry jumps up the two steps and lands in front of a podium. He takes a piece of paper out from behind his ear, unfolds it, and begins to read.
TERRY: My Dear Senators, it is with great anger that I address you at today’s session. After calling into each of your district and D.C. offices and receiving only prank calls in return…
SENATOR 1 high fives SENATOR 2, who mouths “Thirded.”
TERRY: I am upset, upset that our representative democracy has failed us.
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: We’re not voting in favor of your bill, Terry.
TERRY: If a democracy is to represent the people, our policies should reflect their wants.
SENATOR 1: It’s never gonna happen, buddy.
TERRY: And that is why, for the fifteenth consecutive time, I propose that you all vote in favor of Terry’s Bill: To reverse Senate Bill 1 and spell the weekdays and months normally again.
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: Request denied! Let the records show that today’s session of Senate, held on Mnduy, Merb 12 is now adjourned. And due to our upcoming recess, we will not convene again until Thursy, Spemtemby 1. Dismissed.
The Senators cheer wildly and continue their roughhousing.
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116th Congress, 1st Session, Senate Bill 1
A Bill For An Act Entitled: New Spellings for a New Age
In the Senate,
All of the Senators unanimously introduced the following resolution which was referred to the Committee of Public Safety
Senate Proposal
Resolved by the U.S. Senate of the United States of America that the following article is proposed as federal law, held by the threat of death, under the jurisdiction of the United States of America, enforceable by God.
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, that:
Section 1: All days of the week will henceforth be spelled in the following way:
- Mnduy
- Toodsy
- Wednesday
- Thursy
- FrodY
- Sat onhay
- Sumddoy
Section 2: All months of the year will henceforth be spelled in the following way:
- Januarp
- Freburay
- Merb
- Abel
- Can
- Jyne
- Jewly
- A Gust
- Spemtemby
- Oktokbok
- Decanter
Section 3: The law’s reach is defined by the entire continental US. We have no sway in that large wilderness of Alaska, where even God’s laws fall flat.
Section 4: This act will be funded using the entirety of the Corona Relief Fund, appropriated by the declaration of State of Emergency.
Section 5: Breaking this law shall be punished by threat of death.
Section 6: The Law will go into effect immediately, Merb 22st.
—A. Zbornak
