1. Elbow bump your favorite Irish-American. “Kiss me, I’m Irish” is so last year, you know, the year there wasn’t a global pandemic easily spread through smooching, sucking, and slobbering on other people. 

2. Don’t pinch people who aren’t wearing green. Again, the key is to avoid physical touch. Instead, offer them a bowl of cabbage stew and spit in it to get out your anger.  

3. Skip the annual trip to the bar. Instead, grab some beer at your local Trader Joe’s and drink the night away by yourself. Sound lonely? Too bad. This is how actual Irishmen live.

4. Avoid the big town parade. It’s not even happening so this one shouldn’t be too hard.

5. Watch the Disney channel original movie, The Luck of the Irish. You’re stuck at home with nothing else to do, so why not help the Disney corporation cope with the crippling loss of their theme parks by subscribing to Disney+?

—K. Walsh