SARASOTA, FL— “I have made a mistake,” Sarasota native Frank Clarkson said, as the realization sunk in that he should not have filled his house with fifteen American Standard white porcelain toilets. In wake of the recent rise in COVID-19, Mr. Clarkson and his loving wife, Jeanette Clarkson, who have been practicing social distancing with each other for years, had decided to ramp up their doomsday preparation, resulting in an overstock of a certain household fixture.

Mr. Clarkson reportedly hopped on Facebook last Tuesday just long enough to catch the news that “TP” was in high demand and going fast. “We need TP,” Mr. Clarkson shouted as he mowed down Costco customers with a shopping cart. “We need The Poopers.” 

As every commode-loving comrade knows, “TP” stands for “Toilet Paper,” or, for the more old fashioned, “Taint Papyrus.” However, while other customers raced to the Household Essentials aisle, a confused Mr. Clarkson found his way to Bathroom Renovation, where he approached the nearest Costco employee and requested fifteen of “their finest thrones.” The employee reportedly replied, “What?” 

Unfortunately for Mr. Clarkson, the one thing they teach Costco employees is that if anyone approaches them with a request for ten or more toilets at once, it’s probably a robbery attempt. However, this employee was poorly trained and obliged to Mr. Clarkson’s request, and the local husband and father of two swaggered out of the market boasting his freshly-acquired treasure. After an entire day spent shuttling the Johns back to his house one at a time, Mr. Clarkson reportedly shuffled the toilets around and put on his finest pair of trousers. He called his wife downstairs, who found him sitting atop one of the thrones, now arranged in the shape of a heart.

Sources close to Mrs. Clarkson claimed that she asked her husband, “Why are there so many toilets in our house?” before crying about settling in marriage. 

—W. Cramer