This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.

PALO ALTO, CA—Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi, in conjunction with Planned Parenthood president Leana Wen, announced Monday a new joint initiative to bring abortions to modern women on the go. The two leaders are “excited to provide this essential right to sassy, modern career gals who have places to be.”

“After the countless sexual harassment scandals that have plagued our company in recent years, it’s high time we here at Uber show the world we care about ladies and their valuable time,” said Khosrowshahi, showing investors a new commercial which features Uber drivers traveling through fallopian tubes à la Magic School Bus to run over embryos. “As always, Uber is connecting you with the people, places, and things you love. Or in this case, disconnecting women from the thing they don’t love. Oh, and most importantly, protecting our bottom line during this whole Me Too thing.”

Wen is excited about the prospect of bringing abortions to underserved areas. “Missouri only has one abortion clinic left. But they have half an Uber driver who splits her time between northern Missouri and Nebraska. So we’re hoping to see a fifty percent increase in abortions there.”

New Uber “Red” cars are being outfitted with the necessary medical equipment, abortion pills, speculums, and, of course, hand sanitizer. The abortions will be “sort of a DIY situation” at the stoplight of your choosing, with the optional amenity of smalltalk with your mildly nauseated Uber driver. The aborted fetuses will be put in jars and repurposed into mulch for succulents that will be sold on Etsy, as part of Uber’s new Sustainability Initiative.

At press time, Lyft was criticizing the move as a publicity stunt, claiming its drivers had been performing free abortions for years.


—M. Sanghvi