This article originally appeared in the 24 Hour Issue.

Parable of Daniel in the lion’s den: This one’s crazy. Daniel is playing right next to the lion’s den like a fucking idiot and he falls into the enclosure. But he prays to God and God tells one of his angels to snipe the lions and the angel kills them with a few critical hits so Daniel survives.

Parable of the Prodigal’s son: I guess this one is about the town Prodigal. So the Prodigal is tilling the fields and whatever when his son comes home from a war with the Philippines. After the dad picks the son up from the airport, the other son gets so jealous. There’s another son. Besides the first one. What’s a Prodigal again?

Parable of the Lost Coin: A guy is walking home from work when a coin drops out of his pocket. He says “oh no. I needed that coin.” Then his dog finds it, but the dog doesn’t understand the value of money because it is a beast.

Parable of Jonah and the whale: Jonah gets swallowed by whale because he doesn’t do what God tells him to do. The whale blows out its blowhole and Jonah was on top of all the water and he got launched into the air and he landed in prison.

Parable of the ungrateful child: A child got a gift from his dad for his birthday. It was like blocks or something, which back then was a big deal. Anyway, he takes the blocks and drops them on his brother’s foot so the brother has to go to the emergency room at like 2 am. It’s expensive to go to the emergency room because of the current politics.

—J. Houston