This article originally appeared in the War on Christmas Issue.
SEATTLE, WA—In conjunction with its seasonal green and white cup, Starbucks on Friday unveiled its newest holiday-themed container, an unaccountably heavy, slightly glowing “Hail Satan” mug. The mug will be available in both hellfire red and eternal black.
“We are always looking for ways to make our customers feel valued before the End of Days,” reported Chief Marketing Officer Matthew Ryan. “However, limited supplies of fetal pig’s blood mean that our hellfire red mugs are in short supply, so order today!”
Chief Executive Officer Kevin Johnson emphasized that “no matter our customers’ race, religion, or creed, Starbucks will always be a welcoming community for those who hail the Prince of Darkness as their rightful God Below.” As for those “uninitiated to the mercy of the antichrist,” Johnson announced that all Starbucks locations will be closed on Tuesday, December 25 to “ordain baristas in the baptismal rites.”
According to artist Shogo Ota, “The pentagrams, upside-down crosses, and festive scenes of suffering are designed to summon unholy curses upon our financial competitors and mystically bind our coffee drinkers’ souls even closer to that of our satanic mermaid overlord.” Ota added that his favorite part of the mug is the line of eldritch runes circling the rim, imploring Ba’al the Soul-Eater to only roast organic coffee beans in the fires of Hell.
To the company’s surprise, however, many Catholics have decried Ota’s design as sacrilegious. Protestors have already gathered around Starbucks’ headquarters in Seattle to condemn the Lucifer-inspired cup as yet another attack in “the leftists’ continued war on Christmas.” Yet an inside source at Starbucks’ corporate office rebuffed the demonstrators’ claims. “No, we haven’t declared war on Christmas yet. The Final Battle for the End of Days isn’t until next quarter. These protesters are just uninformed bigots.”
At press time, the company was reconsidering the release of its “Fuck Christ” cup.
—A. Hoganson