This article originally appeared in the Just for Teens Issue


WILTON, CT — Paraphrasing Henry David Thoreau as she flipped through slides depicting some “really classic shots,” 15-year-old Mariah Samson, a sophomore at Chester Hills Senior High, argued in a presentation to her A.P. Government class Friday that lying about her age on Pornhub constituted “a modern act of civil disobedience.”

“One has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws, especially when those laws prohibit you from watching some truly Grade-A content,” Samson said, flipping to a photoshopped image featuring Thoreau performing oral sex on a stoic Ralph Waldo Emerson.

In the fifteen-minute presentation to a rapt audience, Samson argued that age restrictions on the popular pornography site have “blue-balled justice for years.” To protest such restrictions, Samson has maintained a Pornhub Premium account since the age of 13, cleverly changing her  birth year from 2003 to 1903 to evade the site’s strict firewalls.

“You can’t expect the system to change on its own,” declared Samson, describing how she makes a conscious effort to pleasure herself to “primo, high-definition content each and every night. I’m like the Gandhi of horny teens. Although now that I think about it, there are probably horny teens in India too, so I guess Gandhi is the Gandhi of horny teens.”

Samson’s classmate Tyler Boyd affirmed her martyr status among fellow adolescents. “She’s sacrificing her parents’ hard-earned money to instigate change on behalf of all us, not to mention risking serious prison time. She’s like Joan of Arc, but less chaste.”

At press time, Samson was urging her classmates to “contest injustice anywhere as a threat to justice everywhere” and also to “seriously check out ‘Plumber Sucks on Step-Sister’s Toes.’ It’s good stuff.”


—D. Medway