This article originally appeared in the Just for Teens Issue

Listen up, ladies, because I’m only going to say this once. No exceptions. And yes, that includes you Jessica. It’s not my fault you dropped your hearing aid in the toilet. I SAID IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU DROPPED YOUR FUCKING HEARING AID—you know what, just forget it.

I’ve gathered you here to introduce a new policy, which is that we only shop at Lululemon now. You heard me, right: Lulu-motherfucking-lemon. No more Justice. So say good-bye to sequined, pink unicorn t-shirts, ladies, because unicorns are extinct, pink graphic tees are juvenile, and sequins are whorish.

As your benevolent leader, Queen Bitch the Fourth, I’d now like to open the floor to questions. Rachel, you first. Why is Lulu cool, you ask? Lulu is cool because it just effing is, Rachel. Now go take your osteoporosis-laden ass and stuff it into some fucking stretchy pants, you frail-boned bitch.

Morgan, I see you’ve been trying to get in for a while now. What’s the difference between jeggings and Lululemon pants? Is that even a question, Morgan? How about, I don’t know, fucking everything? It’s questions like these that remind us all you’re forty-five and our teacher.

I’ll take Cadie, next. No, I promise I’ll be nice. I know you’ve been sensitive ever since you were born a mouth-breathing coward. Why are we wearing Yoga pants if we don’t do yoga? Huh, that’s actually a really great question. I hadn’t thought about that. Maybe we shouldn’t be wasting money on designer pants. Maybe it doesn’t matter what we wear at all; is what I would say if I was a fucking SOCIOPATH. You are going to die alone.

Anyways, that’s all I have time for. Just remember, no more Justice. Especially you, Morgan. Menopausal women should not be wearing training bras.


—A. Zbornak