This article originally appeared in the Just for Teens Issue
When my father agreed to let ABC film a TV show based on our lives back when I was a teen, I was reluctant. As the name of the program suggested, our house was pretty much at capacity without an entire film crew. Still, I admired my father and aspired to one day be in his shoes: widowed at a young age with three beautiful children and an even more beautiful, dead spouse. Little did I know I would find myself in his exact same position twenty years later, with one major difference: our house is even fuller now than it was when my widowed father was alive and my mother, his spouse, was still dead.
Everyone from the original series (except for those with excessive contract demands) are back in the house, including my family. Thankfully, my husband is dead. If you thought the house was full before, I have bad news for you: it is even fuller now. I do not know how the producers expect me to pay rent on a three-bedroom house in San Francisco with a veterinarian’s salary, especially considering the many malpractice lawsuits I face (I stand by my actions. If humans can survive after selling a kidney, so can dogs.)
I wake up every morning and split our daily Cheerio among the fifty people who now live in my home. The producers keep hiring more and more children claiming the show does not have enough “comic relief.” They say they will stop hiring children when they no longer need a laugh track to make people think my life is funny. This is no way for a family to grow up. My youngest child can only speak in catch phrases. My oldest goes through a “very special” incident at least once a week. My middle child keeps acting out. Thankfully, a kindly person of color always steps in to teach him a compelling lesson about compassion. These kindly persons of color are very important, though not quite important enough to become recurring characters.
Netflix has announced the release of “Full-est House” later this year. I hope that my storyline involves me dying so that I may finally be at peace with my husband, who is already dead. With my luck, however, I will probably have to rear fifty more children and continue to be widowed. On the bright side, the producers tell me I will win my malpractice lawsuits, because as they always say, “everyone loves a good comeback story.”
—J. Wexler