“Hooch de Kombucha”: It’s hard to predict how your body will respond to alcohol, so before you jump right to drinking a whole beer, try shotgunning 10-12 large bottles of Kombucha in rapid succession. Chase your cocktail with a stick of chalk to bring your blood pH back to normal.

“The Jentleman’s J”: Rolling a proper joint is a high unto itself, and it’s never too early to learn! First, fold your rolling paper into a V shape. Now, sprinkle in a fat dose of the good stuff: bits of torn-up rolling papers. Light up and enjoy that sweet, sweet pulp!

“The Huffington Dose”: Hang around Kyle’s house until his little sister’s birthday party. Wait for the cake to come out, then, while everyone’s distracted, pierce the balloons and huff as much helium as you can get. Next stop? Lithium!

“Going off your Ritalin”: If it gets you high, it gets you high. Who knew abstaining from drugs could be so cool?

“Second-hand Juul”: Find a place where you know someone’s Juuling, like a high school parking lot or an elementary school parking lot. As soon as you taste mango or cucumber, inhale sharply. Try bringing a handheld vacuum to save some of that “funny gas” for later!

“Getting back on Ritalin at a higher dose”: New prescription? New drug! Be sure to share the wealth with your friends. By “share” we mean “sell” and by “friends” we mean “your rec basketball coach Terry.”

“Ecstasy”: Hey, everybody’s got to start somewhere.

—N. Amsel