This article originally appeared in the Just for Teens Issue
Dear Krissy,
I have a crush on this really cute boy named Bryan who sits directly in front of me in my English class. I stare at the back of his head for the 45 minutes every day and dream about how I will bear his children. Based on some phrenological research, I know that the contour of his occipital bone indicates he is equal parts loving and dangerous, which is perfect because I’ve wanted a father figure ever since my dad accidentally blew himself up with fireworks. Two birds with one stone. The only problem is, I’m invisible to him. How can I get my crush to notice me? Please help me out, Krissy.
Shyly yours,
Wa11fl0wer_gurl
Cheer up, wa11fl0wer_gurl
You’re just going through every tween queen’s biggest challenge: getting your crush to notice you. Being honest about love in middle school is tough, especially when you keep confusing the fetishes of the various catfishing accounts you manage. We’ve all been there.
In fact, your situations reminds me of my own struggles with love in this so-called “industrial age.” One Saturday night, while everyone else was out schmoozing and doing the wobble at Jared Cohen’s bar mitzvah party which I was totally invited to but chose not to attend (for me, a boy only becomes a man when he disavows his religion), I was at home watching Marley and Me and thinking about how to get my chemistry lab partner, Kyle, to notice me. About three quarters of the way through the movie, inspiration hit me like a ton of estrogen: guys really love dogs. What better way to grab the attention of your soon-to-be-man than by getting to know your soon-to-be-man’s-best-friend?
So the next day, while my mom thought I was taking out the trash, I went to my crush’s house and killed his dog. Now I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry: it was completely painless, for me. And it did wonders for my love life! Ever since that day, Kyle hasn’t been able to get my name out of his head, according to our mutual therapist. Heck, he had to get a freaking restraining order to keep himself away from me. Suddenly, I was Bonnie and he was Clyde, in the version where instead of Bonnie and Clyde working together to rob and kill random people, Bonnie brutally murders Clyde’s dog for attention.
So, you know what you need to do, wa11fl0wer_gurl. Kill his dog.
ttyl-ilysmudekaeigjcgsaenis,
Krissy
P.S. Use a butter knife. It’s more cathartic that way.
—R. Salzhauer