My hideous son Andreas has been in the news lately. After running away from home and living in the desert for forty days and forty nights, he began a clandestine campaign to unseat Rep. Mark Takano (D), of California’s 41st district. Now he has curried the favor of all three Koch brothers, Elon Musk, and McGruff the Crime Dog. In his most recent campaign ad, Andreas ate a piece of Pittsburgh-style German chocolate cake while murmuring about universal healthcare.

This behavior only started after I began vaccinating the boy. Before he ran away from home four months ago, I would take him to the veterinary clinic every third Tuesday to get his Tetanus shot. During that time, Andreas was relatively silent and very obedient. Now, he appears on Morning Joe to discuss immigration policy and fart on live television. I know it was the vaccines that did this to him. They ruined his brain and are probably the reason he ran away in the first place. Last spring I got a scientist who studies Arctic tern migration patterns to tag him. If you see a boy with an armband reading TI5-I93, please do not hesitate to call the police or shoot on site. And whatever you do, please do not vaccinate your children if you want them to behave.

—J. Houston