There comes a time in many relationships when it’s really important to take a second and think, “Am I dating a lizard man?” If this incredibly specific question has ever crossed your mind, you probably are! Take a look at this list of tell-tail (pun intended) signs to see if you’re shacking up with a reptoid:
He claims his scaly skin is just a really bad case of eczema: No matter how many bottles of Cetaphil he has crammed in his medicine cabinet, we both know that scaly exterior isn’t going away anytime soon. And who says that’s a bad thing? Everytime he sheds his skin and accidentally leaves it at your place, lucky you gets to wear it around the house so you can smell like your boo even when he’s away.
He took you out to see The Shape of Water six times: He says it’s because he appreciates the visual storytelling of Guillermo del Toro, but we all know that watery romance is basically softcore porn for him (and for Academy voters, apparently).
He won’t eat you out because he’s “self-conscious about his tongue”: Oldest trick in the book, ladies. Shut it down!
You keep getting lost in his beautiful, yellow eyes: When it’s just you and him and you’re gazing into those dark slits on the sides of his head, it’s all too easy to forget where you are. Seriously. One time you were with him and the next moment you woke up in a dimly-lit cavern surrounded by hooded figures. Sure, he was nowhere to be found and you had to spend $43 on a Lyft to get back home, but that’s just how he shows his adventurous side. Besides, what’s sexier than mystery?
He won’t introduce you to his family because they’re a race of shape-shifting reptilians with plans to infiltrate and conquer the human race from within: So he’s a little shy. Big frickin’ deal! You’ve got yourself a powerful man/creature who knows what he wants. And if you play your cards right, you might just be kept alive as a serf of the reptilian overlords!
If any of these signs sound at all like your boyfriend and he has something resembling fingers, you better put a ring on it—and fast. That is, if he gets over the tongue thing!
— M. Blaney