The Yoga Revolution: Why is it that so many Bikram “hot” yoga studios have sprung up in the United States lately? The lamestream media mistakenly attributes this trend to “millennial consumers” and an increasingly health-conscious demographic, but in fact, the Prime Minister of India, Narendra Modi, is waging a bloodless, brilliant, and sweaty war to take over the world. Every U.S. yoga studio built in the past five years is owned by shell companies with ties to the Indian Deep State. So next Tuesday, when you’re doing “downward facing dog” before wine, books, and wine club, know that Modi and his cronies have you exactly where they want you: bowing at their feet.
The guy in New York wearing a construction vest who dry humps postcards of the Statue of Liberty he finds lying on the ground: You all probably already get the gist of this one, but just to make sure we’re on the same page, the CIA is piloting a Deep-State program to increase military enrollment. They’re hoping that when you see this impostor construction worker defiling Lady Liberty, you will subconsciously want to defend the United States’ honor. Thus, ever person that would’ve become a construction worker will instead enlist in a combat unit, eliminating the need for a draft.
The mysterious underwear with an enormous shitstain hanging in the third floor bathroom of Silliman Entryway B: Nobody knows how it got there, and everyone is freaking the fuck out. As for culprits, we’ve ruled out everyone in my suite, including me, of course. Hell, I’m the one who found it! Looks like we’ll have to just chock this one up to Deep State intervention and call it a day.
— S. Custer