Listen Georgie, I’m not here to discuss that nasty September eleventh kerfuffle. That’s between you and the nice folks over at 4Chan. I’m here to talk about what we both know you did to my fine linens. Maybe we could have both pretended that it was a random incident not indicative of larger socio-political conditions for which you are responsible. However, I have found irrefutable evidence that you were in the laundry room at the time of the attack. The thin layer of fecal matter that has now dried into my Porthault “Jours de Paris” bedding set was a premeditated act of biological warfare. Georgie, you’re a 72 year old man—I shouldn’t have to manifest my spirit on the corporeal plane just to tell you not to shit in the washing machine. You need to confess the truth about these WMDs (Washing Machine Dookies). And people up here are saying you’ve been doing this since college?! Does the name “The Poopetrator” ring a bell? Shame on you.

Eternally yours,

Barbara Bush