NEW HAVEN, CT—Shockwaves rollicked the Yale intramural community last week as wiretapped conversations between IM Secretaries shed light on the largest doping scandal to ever afflict the University’s premier recreational sports community.
As many as one athlete, David Trout MC ‘20, were implicated in the events now known as Hydrocortisone-Gate, named after the topical steroid which instigated the crisis. Yale University is reportedly considering suspending the athlete—whose name will not be published out of respect for his family, the Trout family—from IM sports for at least one and a half weeks. The University will also strip Morse College of its 2018 IM table tennis title in light of the violation.
“Some people will try to defend him. ‘It was just for his eczema. That’s different from real steroids.’ But we have no respect and, frankly, no time for that sort of criminal apologetics,” said Yale Intramural Narcotics Enforcement Task Force Committee Chair (YINETFCC) Jill Fonda.
Other students with eczema echoed Fonda’s sentiment. “It’s really unfair,” reported Alice Mackerel, DC ‘19. “You don’t see any of us running around sticking needles in our asses just because our skin itches a little.”
Those close to the athlete, however, have called for an appeal of the decision. “This whole thing is being blown way out of proportion,” said roommate Ellen Flounder, MC ‘20. “Nobody cared when he verbatim copied my English 120 Essay. Why is he being put on trial for a little gym candy?”
Nevertheless, Yale has indicated that its response will only change if so recommended by the newly christened CERRLDSIMH (Committee to Evaluate the Reevaluation of the Response to the Largest Doping Scandal in IM History).
In the interim, a statement from the National Eczema Association has recommended that IM athletes forego anti-inflammatory topical creams in favor of meth, “Eczema’s newest, most experimental treatment.”
— N. Ewing-Crystal