I am the man wearing the T-shirt that says “FLUENT IN SARCASM” standing behind you in line at the Jamba Juice. I bet you thought I wouldn’t notice when you read my shirt, looked at my stubbled face, smirked faintly, and looked away. Hear ye, cumsluts: You have made an irreparable mistake. For I am Jesus; this was a test of your tolerance, and you have failed.

I (Jesus Christ) have arrived in my glory, and I must separate people one from another as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats (Matthew 25:32). I distinguish the tolerant from the intolerant, the Sir Nice-A-Lots from the bullies. I must gaze upon your treatment of the most unfortunate, the most outwardly repulsive of men – and baby, that’s me in this sweaty, sweaty shirt.

My disguise is immaculately crafted. I smell of Juul pods and hubris. I have an ear piercing but I checked to make sure it’s in the non-gay ear. Every time I open my mouth to speak, a puff of my beard hair blows into the wind like a dandelion seed, and wherever it lands a PBR tree grows. Alarmed? Looks like you’re headed to the Bozos Corner, and unfortunately for you, the Bozos Corner is located in Hell. As Matthew 7:1 reads, “Judge not, that you be not judged.” As the inside cover of the copy of Infinite Jest I keep in my JanSport reads, “Dear Lydia, Thought this might expand your mind :).”

Tolerate me or be cast into darkness. Love me as I have loved you. Dance like nobody is watching. My shirt is smart which means I am smart. My beard is long like Samson’s. My arms are frail because guys who work out have nothing else to live for. One day, I will have a daughter. That daughter will realize she doesn’t respect me, but I won’t mind. I will have other things to live for. Psych. Or have you forgotten? I’m fluent in sarcasm.

Clarification: “FEMALE BODY INSPECTOR” and “MY BOYFRIEND IS PIZZA” t-shirt wearers are going to hell.

– W. Caplan