This article originally appeared in the 2018 First Year Issue
OLD CAMPUS — Bonding with her new suitemates Saturday night, first-year Julia Karp, ES ‘22, demonstrated an impressive albeit entirely conceptual grasp of the male penis.

As the six young women discussed Kierkegaardian existentialism and “girl stuff” in their Lawrance Hall common room, Karp stood out for her ability to abstractly describe a theoretical penis. Her insights spanned the form and function of the organ.

“She told us that it’s cylindrical mostly, and that it expands and contracts sometimes,” reported suitemate Rebecca Liu, also ES ‘22. “The description of ‘a fifth limb, but smaller’ really helped us visualize it, though the question remains: does it have fingers?”

Karp went on to describe how some see the penis as an object of sexual desire, asking if there were “any such pervs among us.” The lecture culminated in the mock circumcision of a cucumber.
“We’re still not sure how a guy can pee and ejaculate out of the same hole, or even what ejaculating is, but thanks to Julia, we have the basic facts down, and that’s much more than I could say yesterday,” lauded suitemate Noelle Porter.

Though Karp’s friends appreciated her understanding, some left unsatisfied. “It just wasn’t the grasp I was looking for,” reported Tyler Rubin, JE ‘22, noting that he had fortunately ejaculated during the presentation nonetheless.

Still, Porter was emphatic in her praise: “For never having seen a penis, Julia did a fantastic job. I can’t wait to hear what she has to say about testicles.”

— L. Kingsley