This article originally appeared in the 2018 First Year Issue
What they say is true: College is the best time of your life. It’s better than the day you learned how to draw a hand turkey in Ms. Helmholtz’s kindergarten class. All you had to do was trace your hand, and suddenly, you had created life. It was so simple. College isn’t so simple, but it’s better than that day.
College is better than your first trip to Holiday World and Splashin’ Safari theme park in Santa Claus, Indiana. When your parents tried to take you home, you screamed for so long that they were arrested by a security guard dressed like an elf. He had a gun. You will never scream out loud in college.
College is better than the time you’ll propose to the love of your life. It’s better than the first time you’ll play catch with your son, especially if he sucks at catching. Why make meaningful human connections when you can shotgun a Four Loko behind the Stiles dumpster? Why be lulled to sleep by the gentle breathing of a loved one when you can pass out on your suitemate’s futon after four doses of Adderall?
College is better than the day you’ll get into an extended and pointless argument with your wife. You will win, which will feel good. You will be so proud that you won’t be able to think about anything else. You will be so happy that you will celebrate with the bottle. It will remind you of college, when you drank to remember.
— D. Schifrin