1. Happy Monday! Have you checked out the new herbal teas in the employee break room? Also, please kill me.
  2. I have been growing a boil on my lower back and pruning it like a bonsai tree in your image.
  3. Stephanie, I am replacing you with a robotic forelimb.
  4. I’ve had the same job for thirty years. Every time I ask my boss for a promotion, he hands me a small box. Every time I open the box, I hear my grandfather’s voice saying, “There is no afterlife,” amidst the tortured wails of the incorporeal. Bosses, right?
  5. Robotic forelimb, I am replacing you with a hyper- dimensional idea sphere.
  6. This morning, I realized that I’ve never tasted mango. It was an ephemeral realization, gone as quickly as it had arrived, one that merely stopped to wipe its feet on the metaphorical welcome mat of conscious thought. But it got me thinking: is this all there is to life? Are we forever trapped within the confines of our own existential inertia? Are novelty, excitement, yea, even fulfillment mere concepts of the past as we hurdle ceaselessly, inevitably, interminably down the—man, the gas leak in this building gets worse every day, doesn’t it?
  7. Idea sphere, I am replacing you with my nephew.

—D. Schifrin