Three guys on the crew team named Whitaker: These guys seem to have everything, but one thing they don’t have is an eternal covenant with the Lord. Guess you’re not so privileged after all, Whitakers.

Handsome Dan: You’ve checked his weiner out, I’ve checked his weiner out, we all know he’s not circumcised.

Nathan Hale. An American spy in the War of Independence, Hale famously declared “I only regret that I have but one life to give to my country.” Judaism is a timeless religion that transcends the parochial boundaries of nationalism, so no real Jew would have said this. Also, Jews have nine lives — no way this guy was a yid.

Judah P. Benjamin:

Benjamin, a Yale alum and cabinet member in the Confederacy, vaulted to political prominence after giving an epic dvar torah at his bar mitzvah. He was sure Grandma and Grandpa were smiling down at him, but in his work for the Confederacy he violated tikun olam, the Jewish message to repair the world, so technically, he’s not a Jew. Judah has lost his place in the world to come, and will spend the rest of eternity being nagged by his sisters Sarah and Rachel.

Marvin Chun: Though Chun is not Jewish, his pet goldfish Shmulik is. Go figure.