‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
I was freaking the fuck out, ‘cause I saw a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
And I cursed the soul offucking mouse in there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew in a flash
OH FUCK, IT CRAWLED UP MY PANTS!
IT CRAWLED UP INSIDE MY PANTS!
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
And OH MY GOD, IT’S ON MY FACE!
THERE IS A MOUSE. ON. MY. FACE!
When suddenly with my small ears I did hear,
The sound of a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
As I clawed at my head, and was turning around,
Straight down the chimney, he came with a bound.
Santa was standing there, lively and quick –
Then he saw my face and he screamed “HOLY SHIT!”
With more swiftness than eagles, as quick as he came,
He was back up the chimney and onto the sleigh.
He screamed at his reindeer and gave them a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight –
“Merry Christmas to all – except them, they have mice!”