Pretend to be talking to someone while you’re masturbating, being sure to frequently call out a zip code far from the one in which you currently are

Yell “long-distance relationship” into a sea shell and throw it into the dining hall

Tape a face onto a body pillow and have it visit one to two times a year

Pay $8.99 a month for Skype Premium (excluding tax) and post the bill in the sacred spot above your Pink Floyd poster

Pretend to be talking to someone while you’re crying in your room

Refuse to go out at all, citing the need for “love partner time”

Preface every sentence with, “Speaking as someone in a long-distance relationship…”

Drape an iPad with a picture of a sock on it over your doorknob to indicate the cybersex happening inside the room

Tell everyone that your SO’s name is “Dad”

Meet someone in high school who, at first sight, seems to be the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen, a bright light at the end of a dark tunnel, one who brings endless joy and wonder into your life, and then get up the nerve to ask them out to the Big Dance, after which you fall more and more in love until forced apart by unforeseen circumstances, then just repeat this story to anyone who will listen

—S. Savitz & B. Rudeen