Financial security
Make a glorious art piece from empty beer cans
Date a nice Jewish pre-med (Note: If parents are antisemitic,
see next entry)
Do NOT date a nice Jewish pre-med
Kiss Peter Salovey on his goddamn beautiful mouth
Finally punch the moon, your great sky nemesis
Buy Commons and rename it after yourself
Transition from Lucky Charms to Frosted Mini Wheats
Get over your Oedipus complex
Stop using no-tear shampoo
Start using extra-tear shampoo
Tell mom she looks good in that dress dad bought her
Do NOT kill your father despite how beautiful your
mom looks in that glamorous yet age-appropriate
dress
Get El Chapo’s business card
Get new parents who are already proud
-Staff
